So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
