When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
