are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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