Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
