She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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