So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
