I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
