Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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