The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
