hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
