sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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