Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
