Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
