I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
