So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
