I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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