I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
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I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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