i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
