There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
