My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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