My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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