i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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