Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
