Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
