The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
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There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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