If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
