Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
