I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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