On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
