Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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