Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
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How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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