I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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