Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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