hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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