I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
