shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
