half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
foreskin is a definite game changer
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
