Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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