Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
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you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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