I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
