My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
