i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
