I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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