your thong is hanging out like whoa
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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