I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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