Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just high enough for therapy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
