I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
