I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's just like the Real World with babies
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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