my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
