All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this just has baby written all over it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
