saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
try to milk me bitch
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