apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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