I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
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I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize