..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
