Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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