Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
