She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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