when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
