Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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