Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
