I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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