Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
