i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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