whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
