I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
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He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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